I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
