You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
