he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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