there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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