now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
