I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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