So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
