sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
