There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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