You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
