Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
