On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
