I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
