he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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