Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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