the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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