No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
