My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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