Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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