I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
