Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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