I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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