How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize