My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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