I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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