Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize