I have demons in me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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