Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
