i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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