the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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