I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
