You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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