Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
