Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize