I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
