I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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