Soap is not a condiment
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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