The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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