Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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