I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
