my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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