The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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