I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
