Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
porn star boner night. come get it.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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