all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
