a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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