I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
