he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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