I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
