The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
