my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
