He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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