I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
