Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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