This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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