I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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