I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
