Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
