Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize